New Year's Resolution

Usually about this time of the year, I have forgotten whatever New Year’s resolution I decided to make. It would have been the same New Year’s resolution I swore I would keep for the whole year and not forget by February. Well this year has been a little different, mostly because I did not make the resolution until February. But for this past month, I have stuck to it like glue (and am pretty proud of myself for that). I am sure part of the success has been that it has nothing to do with losing weight, although going with that route couldn’t have hurt anyone, which has proved unsuccessful in the past. This year I decided to devote my big New Year’s resolution to practicing my Azerbaijani.
I have decided to take a more forceful approach with my language skills while I am here. For being in a country for six months, it feels like I have gotten nowhere. Some days are great language days. I can come home from school and tell my host mom how school was, and what I said to a teacher, and what they said in response, and what I am doing that night, and for the weekend. And she’ll even understand more than half of whatever I said. But some days are complete failures. I cannot get across what my feelings are, or understand anything people are trying to tell me, or answer basic questions. And those days are the most frustrating of all. But I decided part of the problem is that I do not normally like to do things I am bad at. Of course, a lot of people don’t like to do things they are bad at. But I really don’t. I would, in fact, avoid most things that I am bad at, even if they are really fun (e.g. hula hooping, swimming, Dance Dance Revolution). I have come to a conclusion, though, that this hinders my ability to speak Azerbaijani. Because I get so nervous about not speaking correctly, or not understanding what somebody is saying, I decide to just not say anything at all. And of course, this does not help me get any better. So my New Year’s resolution of 2011 is to say at least one full sentence at the dinner table every day, in Azerbaijani of course. One full sentence can’t be too hard, right? Well it seems monumental every day. But so far, I have stuck to it. I’ve found that some days the problem is not that I cannot say something, but that I simply have nothing to say. But it is the little things that are good for practicing and I am working on it. (To clarify: I do not go the Whole day without saying anything. I tend to freeze up when everybody in the house is listening. And I say plenty in English that no one understands.)
Part of what pushed me towards this goal is because whenever we go to another house for a birthday party or a holiday or what have you, I spend the whole night in silence, completely overwhelmed at all of the Azerbaijani flying by my head and anxiety ridden that someone will ask me a question I cannot understand. I would like to add, whenever we are “guesting” at a house, if I open my mouth at all, the whole table turns to listen to me speak because they think it’s ‘nice’ that a foreigner is speaking their language. As nice as it might be, it freaks me out. Nevertheless, I always leave and think, I could have just said something. One thing. Anything. Just something. But I didn’t, and spent the whole night silent besides for trying to refuse mass amounts of food being served to me. So I am determined to make 2011 different because when I leave, people aren’t going to remember a year down the road how bad my Azeri was. They may talk about how I eat my rice with a fork when everyone knows you are supposed to use a spoon, or that I use napkins to blow my nose, or that I drink cold water even though I have been told it gives me cold. But as far as my Azeri goes, it is not going to get any better unless I try. So as nerve wracking as it is to have ten people stare at me while I bumble through a sentence I am surely going to have to repeat, I know I will feel better afterwards for just giving it a shot. Mənim Azərbaycani dilim yaxşı olacak... inşallah.